Not Gay As In Happy
I’m not gay as in happy
but queer as in
I still have no fucking idea
wouldn’t it have been easy
but few of us grew up in rainbow showers
we fumbled for our unicorn lovers
in pre-dawn hours
sneaking under-aged into Don’t Tell Mama[1]
and before I ever trusted to tell mama,
she bribed it out of my sister
at eighteen
moved to the US
encountered
cut and paste cis-pronouns
in activist spaces
dreamt of traveling from she to shey to them
and an entire fucked up cistem can’t hide behind hän[2]
but it used to give me some space
collegiate athlete soccer tomboys
we snorted adderall[3] before
drunk-driving into the only femme gay bar
where we rubbed our sixpacks
against chicks with baggy jeans and snap-backs[4]
to me
queer tastes likes
cutting my hair
to mirror imagery
of what femme beyond binary
could be
dreaming dreams
of unfettered empathy
I only ever glimpsed
high on LSD
interrogating my own complicity
with oppression
stepping up
and then stepping
the
fuck
back
unpopular opinions
feminist killjoys[5]
and the threat
of misogynistic violence
aimed to shut us up
queer tastes like utopia
for future generations
but understanding
that our value isn’t defined through
whether or not we contribute to
of reproductive labor of this
nation
founded on the dreams of white rich men
they nominated each other
to emblaze the national canon
after the political massacre
of hundreds of red[6] girls and women
not gay as in happy but
queer as in fuck you
and one day when I am less
bound by anxiety attacks
triggered by the smell of cheap beer
cigarettes and the lingering “no”
I never knew how to conjure
one day
or on some day
or maybe some day soon
I will say not gay as in happy but
queer as in FUCK YOU
and YES I would LOVE to get fucked too
and I will fuck you
like you have never been fucked before
you bet I will send your ass
you soaring over that lubed-up rainbow
and when you cum crashing on that treasure bed
I will tell you to keep sucking my fingers
because I am right here
behind you
high on your shudders of sweat
not gay as in happy
but queer as in
I still have no fucking idea.
[1] Don’t tell mama is an iconic lgbtq+ night club in Helsinki
[2] Hän is the Finnish personal pronoun that is used for everyone, Finland only has one (so no he/she just hän).
[3] Adderall is an amphetamine stimulant that is prescribed to people who have been diagnosed with attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, or ADHD. It is sometimes used recreationally to stay awake longer and be able to drink more alcohol.
[4] A snap-back is an other word for a specific kind of baseball cap.
[5] Feminist Killjoy is a term coined by the feminist scholar Sarah Ahmed
[6] The Finnish Civil War of 1918 was fought between White Finland and Finnish Socialist Worker’s Republic (Red Finland). In the Hennala prison camp over 220 women of the Red Guard were executed in a mass murder that has only recently been publicly discussed in Finland. It has been argued that the brutal executions were carried out to advance so-called ”racial purity” (eugenics), because the women were deemed ”unfit” to reproduce.